So, I got bored and decided to escape to Vegas to visit the bestie. LA was getting boring and my job had gotten pushed a week, then another week so I figured what the hell? I had planned on it being a short 4 day trip. Maxie would be able to enjoy the apartment to himself and throw bachelor kitty parties for all of his cockroach friends. Plus, Stef had company coming in on Tuesday so my visitation had an expiration date this go around.
Surprisingly, my car made it in one piece to Vegas. It didn’t overheat despite it being 100 degrees on the drive. My AC (among everything else in my car) is broken so that was a very sweaty, gross trip. Stef and I enjoyed a poor person’s trip to Vegas as we were (and are) both jobless. We sunned ourselves at the pool and I enjoyed cable and air conditioning. We went out on Saturday to the EDC. For those of you who aren’t hip and don’t know what that is … I couldn’t remember what the fuck it stood for… it’s Electric Daisy Carnival. It’s more or less the Coachella of electric, house and techno music … on acid, ecstasy and mushrooms. So basically, my own personal hell.
Saturday night, Stef’s bf, J, wanted to see this DJ he loved back in the day. So, I went out with them… where I proceeded to drink heavily to pretend I wasn’t actually listening to music that makes my ears bleed.
My kick out date had approached and coincidentally enough, a friend of mine from home was in Vegas for a conference so I crashed with her at the schmancy Aria hotel. The blessing of having a bestie that lives in Vegas is that you never have to pay for a hotel. You don’t even have to go out to the strip if you don’t want to. It’s amazing. But sometimes, it’s neat (yes, neat. I’m old now) to stay down on the strip in a nice hotel.
Anyway, Kay said she was heading to the Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon and invited me to come along. I had never been to either and had always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon so, I said what the hell? MBG said he would be able to pop in to check on Maxie since I was gone longer than I had originally planned.
Wednesday morning came and we were on our way. I drove Kay to the airport where I had planned on leaving my car because she had rented a car for the trip. On our way, MBG told me that the keys he had for my apartment (that I had given to him as soon as I moved in) weren’t working. I offered to come home instead of going to the HD & GC but he decided he had the wrong keys. So after that was cleared up, Kay came out after what seemed to be about 7 years (seriously, why was the airport so damn slow?!) exclaiming, “I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOUUUUU!” To which I replied, “I HAVE ONE FOR YOU!” She looked at me puzzled and asked what mine was. I replied, “My mother fucking car won’t start. What’s yours?” She smiled and said, “I got a convertible?”
I called AAA and spoke to the dumbest mother fucking human being on the planet. I can’t tell you how many times I said that I was at the LAS VEGAS MACCAREN AIRPORT by the RENTAL CAR TERMINAL in a GRANDMA GOLD SATURN. I finally lost my shit and told her that if they were local, they would just know where the fuck I was.
While I was waiting for the AAA angels, MBG had told me that the 2nd set of keys he brought weren’t working and he had to get to work soon. I’m sure Maxie would have been ok but I felt bad and I’m a bit neurotic. So between the fucking idiot AAA operator calling me back, texting MBG and my building manager to see if he was around, I started having a melt down. Thankfully, my building manager aka my saving fucking grace, was home and was able to let MBG into the apartment. Right about the time I received a text from both of them telling me everything was ok, the AAA truck pulled up. I was finally able to breathe.
As they ran diagnostics on my car, I told them how stupid the bitch was that I spoke to on the phone. The AAA angel told me that he knew exactly where I was and that he was only 3 minutes away. I wanted to get back on the phone, reach through and stab the idiot.
As it turns out, it was the battery. The diagnostics test came back inconclusive so I told them to just replace it. They did it right there in the parking lot. I almost made out with both of them.
After moving my car to the overnight lot, Kay and I were finally on our way, only 3 hours later than planned. I rewarded myself with fries from In N Out as I had made it through without killing anyone and without taking a xanax, despite noticing that my hands were shaking for a good hour during / after it all.
We made it to the Hoover Dam, which was pretty amazing. I never really put much thought into the Hoover Dam (who does?) but it was pretty breathtaking. The water was this gorgeous blue green. I almost wanted to jump in and take a swim, but I was told that was frowned upon.
We hopped back in the car and continued on our way. When we stopped to get gas, we decided we were hungry and that knowing our luck, we’d arrive when everything was just closing. Luckily, there was a little deli in the gas station. Since I only eat veggies, I thought I would definitely be in the clear. I ordered a veggie sub with no olives. I LOATHE olives. The woman crossed out olives on the order form and noted NO OLIVES! After watching them make our sandwiches without gloves and hoping we weren’t going to die of shit poisoning, we hopped back into the car and started eating as we left. I noticed mine tasted weird so I opened it up. It literally was COVERED in olives. It’s like she opened up a can of olives and poured them all over my sandwich. It wasn’t just a few; there were one billion olives. WHAT?! And the mustard? When I asked for mustard, I didn’t expect the entire bottle, either.
When we finally got up the canyon, it was around 9pm. It was pitch black up there, which of course, scared the shit out of me as we walked from the car to the room. I was afraid someone or something was going to pop the fuck out and grab me, bite me, eat me or kill me. Luckily, nothing did and I was able to enjoy the stars. Holy shit, guys. You forget how breathtaking and unbelievable amazing stars are when you live in a city. My aunt lives in the country so whenever I would visit her, I would look up in amazement at the night sky. This was like one MILLION times better than the country. I took out my constellation app (yes, I’m a total nerd) and saw stars and constellations I never knew existed. It was unbelievable.
As we were getting ready for bed, Kay and I were devising a plan for the morning. She wanted to get up at the ass crack of dawn to see the sunrise. I wanted to pull my finger nails off with tweezers before thinking of getting up that early. As she was trying to convince me, I yelled, “SPIDER!!!” because I saw this fucking monster crawling over my pillow and just about shit my pants. Kay had jumped and dumped half of her red wine all over the bed. As far as the trip was going, it seemed pretty fitting.
She passed out and I was awake until almost 1am. We had to be up at 430am. Begrudgingly, I got up with her, stabbed my contacts into my bleeding eyes and drudged up to the canyon. As we walked in the freezing cold weather and dark early morning, I was angry. Very angry and sleepy. We got to a point that overlooked the canyon. I couldn’t wait for this damn sun to come up. It finally came up at 511am or some insane hour and all the anger went away. The sleepiness sure fucking didn’t but the anger did. Not only was seeing the Grand Canyon absolutely astounding, seeing the sun rise over it and illuminate each and every nook and cranny of that place, was unfreakingbelievable. I quickly forgave Kay and enjoyed the morning.
The canyon was great. Fucking balls ass hot, but great. We took the shuttle along the south rim for a bit and walked for the rest of it. Words can’t honestly describe how amazing this place is. If you’ve never been, go. Plan for a few days so you can go down into the canyon and see all of the different terrains. It’s mind blowing.
We drove back that afternoon to Vegas and I ended up staying with Stef a few more days because her other guests never came. So, we hung out, sunned ourselves again and enjoyed cable.
I left on Friday because it was going to be 116 degrees and I didn’t really feel like dying in the desert in a grandma gold Saturn piece of shit. Not really my ideal way to go.